CHAPTER 19

How to Take Your Relationship to the Next Level

“B ut, Mel. . . they are giving me the attention I deserve. I know they like me because they have told me. . . and they are acting in all the right ways. . . except for the most important one. They just don’t want to commit to me.”

This is really common, and it can show up in a number of ways: Maybe they don’t want to put a “label” on it, be exclusive, officially be in a relationship, move in together, get engaged, or get married.

First, you have to ask yourself, Is this a pattern of mine to chase people who won’t commit? Or is this just an issue with this one person? I am going to tackle these topics separately, because they are two different issues.

If You’re Always Picking the Wrong People

If you are always finding yourself trying to date the person who is unavailable or can’t commit, chances are it is not as coincidental as you think. You are probably attracted to people who you think you can change or win over, or who are unavailable because they are with someone else or just emotionally unavailable.

Ask yourself: Are you dating people who never commit? Are you the girlfriend before they meet their wife? Are you dating people you don’t fully trust? Are you dating people who are jealous or controlling? Do you keep sleeping with people hoping it turns into something? Are you dating people who have serious struggles whom you want to rescue? Are you dating people who cheat on you or that you meet by cheating? When your relationships ultimately blow up, do you tell your friends they were the “crazy” one?

If any of these things ring true, it’s time for honesty: You love the chase. This is your pattern and it’s a problem. The relationship is largely happening as a fantasy in your own mind, because you live in the potential of what could be, not in the reality of what is.

This pattern in your life will repeat unless you break it. Research shows that people subconsciously pick the same type of person to chase time and time again based on previous relationships and childhood experiences.

A study from the University of Alberta shows that after the initial “honeymoon phase,” a new relationship tends to follow the exact same dynamic patterns of old relationships. The eight-year study showed that people tend to repeat patterns, bring the same dynamics to new experiences, and avoid addressing their own issues. . . which, in turn, create the exact same broken relationship dynamics over and over.

If this is ringing true for you, you should really go talk to a therapist about your past, and get to the root of your issues—because they are not going to be solved by being in a relationship with someone else. In fact, if you chase another relationship, you will just keep chasing healthy love away.

Another relationship is not the answer. In fact another relationship right now is just going to make the problem worse.

You need to be single.

I am going to say that again. You need to be single.

If you truly want to fix this and create the healthy, loving relationship you’ve always dreamt about, you must be willing to be single for the next year and focus on figuring out how to be happy by yourself and to heal.

“But, Mel. . . I don’t want to be single, and I don’t think it’s that much of a problem. I just have met the wrong people. It’s not me. It’s them. I just need to pick someone different.”

Nope! The problem is you. I just realized, as I was saying this to you. . . that you’re going to think you’re the exception to this research.

Remember earlier in the book when you met Dr. Sharot from MIT, and she taught you why you can’t get other people to change? Because everyone thinks they are the exception, and that is happening to you right now.

If you have this pattern of chasing love, but never getting to a healthy commitment, you are not the exception. You are the problem. The biggest challenge you’re going to have is recognizing your own denial that this is in fact a pattern that you need to fix and that being in another relationship will keep you from fixing this problem.

You deserve an incredible love story, but you will not create it until you figure out the root cause of why you keep choosing people who are not healthy or won’t commit to you.

And I say this to you with love.

Now, let’s talk about using the Let Them Theory in situations where you are seeing someone or in a relationship, and you want to take it to the next level, but you are not sure where the other person stands or how to broach the topic of a bigger commitment without losing your power.

The Commitment Conversation

There comes a time in any relationship where you may wonder where this is going or if you are on the same page about what you want. The second you start to feel that way, it’s time for a conversation.

Never feel bad about asking for what you deserve. Never hint about something as important as a commitment. Being able to have honest conversations is the foundation of a loving and healthy relationship.

So don’t fear this, embrace it. If the relationship is meant to be, this conversation will make it stronger. A real conversation only destroys something that is fake.

The way you’re going to frame the conversation comes from my friend Matthew Hussey, a New York Times bestselling author who has been helping people for more than 17 years to feel more confident and in control of their relationships. His YouTube channel is #1 in the world for love advice, with over half a billion views.

As I was researching this book, I spoke to Matthew about the mistakes that people make when they want to take a relationship to the next level.

And he told me a very poignant personal story. He said that when he met his wife, Audrey, he was dating a bunch of people; they were also living in different cities, and it was very casual. He admitted to me (while Audrey was sitting right next to us) that he was stringing her along. That is. . . until she sat him down and had a conversation that was structured in a very particular way, and it caught him completely off guard.

She didn’t make him feel bad. She didn’t go on and on about how much she liked him, or that she was falling for him. In fact, she didn’t focus on him at all. She focused on the value of her time and what she was looking for.

As Matthew told me the story, he said that the #1 mistake that people make when they are trying to take something to the next level is focusing on the other person, rather than focusing on the value of their time and what they want in life. And it worked—because he stopped dating everybody else, and immediately committed to Audrey, and now they are married and partners in business together.

He walked me through what he learned from the experience, how he now teaches this technique, and the way you can frame this conversation too. So here’s what you’re going to do:

Similar to the ABC Loop, don’t have this conversation at a bar, on the phone, or when you’re short on time. Don’t even consider having it over text. It’s important to not walk into this with any expectation that the person is going to be wanting the same thing that you do. You’re seeking clarification because you’ve gotten to a point where you know that if this isn’t going anywhere, it’s no longer worth your time.

This isn’t about getting the answer that you want. It’s about getting the truth about where you stand. This isn’t a particularly emotional conversation. It’s about the facts of what is worth your time, and what is not. This is what Matthew recommended, but make it your own:

Wow. I wish I had known this when I was dating. What strikes me about Matthew and Audrey’s approach is how matter of fact it is.

As you read it, don’t you respect the person who is saying it? That they “value” their time and energy? And did you also notice, they were super complimentary of the person they had been seeing?

No guilt trip. No accusations. No sob story. Just two adults having fun, and now one of them is being clear about what they want in life.

Don’t you respect that? I sure do. Don’t you want to value your time just as much? Of course you do! And don’t you want to be with somebody who is so badass that they value their time this much, and actually mean it?

And, did you notice zero expectation? The door is wide open for the other person to say no.

This is the hard part: Sometimes the people you choose aren’t going to choose you back. It will suck. You will feel demoralized. And you’ll be okay.

And here’s the thing, even if they say no, you still get to choose what you do after.

If they tell you—I don’t want to move in with you; I don’t want to be your boyfriend or girlfriend; I don’t want to do long distance; I don’t want to get married; I don’t want to ever have kids; I am not moving back to your hometown—they have given you everything that they have to give you. And this is it.

Let Them.

As my friend and bestselling author Pastor Sarah Jakes Roberts likes to say, “Are these table scraps what you’re willing to accept, or are you looking for a five star meal?”

If you choose to stay in this after they’ve told you they don’t want the same things you want, that’s on you. If you stay in something after they won’t commit, the next phone call should be to your therapist, because there is something deeper going on.

As your friend, I’ll ask you: Why do you want to be with somebody that won’t commit to you? Why do you want to be with somebody that doesn’t want the same things that you want?

Yes, it can be terrifying to be alone. Yes, it’s deflating to know another six months just went by. Yes, it’s tempting to be with the table scraps rather than back on the dating market again.

You may think you’ll never find love. You may think you’ll never find someone as smart, funny, attractive, complimentary, or as good in bed. But, you’re wrong. It’s not true.

Do not accept the table scraps.

Be brave. Saying no to the wrong situations is how you find the right person for you. Let Them reveal who they are, and where you stand. Then you must focus on the second part of the Let Them Theory, Let Me.

Let Me end a relationship with someone who won’t commit.

Let Me trust this is another step in the direction of choosing the love I deserve.

Let Me stop chasing the potential of this and see the reality.

Let Me believe that I just took one step closer to the right person.

Let Me take my power back, because the love of my life is right around the corner.