CHAPTER 18

Let Them Show You Who They Are

At the end of your life, what are the very last words you want someone to say to you?

“I love you.”

Love is the most powerful force in the world. You deserve to feel loved, be loved, fall in love, express love, and experience one of the greatest joys in life: being in a loving relationship.

Whether you’re single, divorced, dating, engaged, in a situation-ship, or you’ve been married for a very long time, I believe the greatest love of your life is ahead of you. Even the best relationships can become more meaningful and your connection to someone can always go deeper.

If you’re single, your love story is far from over. The love of your life is not in your past. They are waiting for you in the future, and everything that has happened and every relationship you’ve been in has prepared you for what is about to happen next.

While I was doing the research for this book, I received so many questions about using the Let Them Theory when it comes to love. So, in the next three chapters, you and I will cover dating, commitment, how to know if a relationship is right for you, making love last, and surviving breakups.

Finally, we are going to talk about how you’ve been accepting less than the love you deserve.

The reality is, adults choose who and how they love, and sometimes they won’t choose you. People’s behavior tells the truth about how they feel about you. Too often, you chase love—or the potential for what you think it could be—and end up compromising on your values. By chasing love, you chase away the deep and meaningful relationship you’re worthy of.

As extraordinary as love is, it’s also the source of so much pain. You want to be loved so much that you can find yourself giving your power away to the other person.

For example, maybe some stranger you met online now dictates your mood. Maybe someone who ghosted you has now destroyed your self-esteem. Or your spouse is very dismissive and treats you like a roommate, which you have just learned to accept.

In your love life, you can fall into the trap of letting other people—and their own traumas and issues—make you compromise your standards and settle for far less than what you truly want and know you need.

When the heart is involved, logic goes out the window. You can find yourself explaining away bad behavior or creating a fantasy in your head instead of accepting reality. You can also convince yourself to stay in a relationship that isn’t working because it feels better than breaking up and facing the unknown.

You deserve an amazing love story, and you should never settle for less than that kind of love.

Using the Let Them Theory, you will learn the difference between chasing love and choosing it. You’ll learn who is worth a commitment and who isn’t. You’ll also learn how to use the theory to create the most loving, supportive, and committed partnership you have ever had.

The fact is, the best relationships grow and change over time—and changing how you show up will create connection and the loving partnership you truly deserve.

So, Let’s Start at the Beginning . . . How to Find Love

Dating today is really hard. I haven’t talked to a single person who says they like dating and that it’s easy and fun.

Absolutely everyone dreads the idea of “putting themselves out there,” getting on the apps, and entering what feels like a very toxic, shallow hookup scene. So if you feel discouraged, bummed, or insecure about being single, you’re not alone. This is normal, and it has a lot to do with the fact that dating apps and social media have turned love and relationships into a game, an industry, and a competition.

The other reason it’s frustrating is that so much of the advice feels like tricks, tips, and rules to win someone over, or secure the next date, or attract as many likes as you can on the app. That’s what I mean when I say that dating in today’s world feels like a competition. That is the worst way to approach the topic of love and committed partnerships. It is not a game. You’re not supposed to trick someone into liking you. You’re not supposed to follow rules about when you can text or what you can say.

You are supposed to be yourself and trust that if you show up as your full self, the person that is looking to be with someone as awesome as you can actually find you. Anybody that is telling you the trick to “landing them” is leading you away from yourself and into shallow waters where you’ll meet the wrong people. Instead of thinking you need to change yourself and start doing something different, I am going to teach you what you need to stop doing.

Finding love is more about saying no than it is about saying yes. When you have high standards for yourself and the kind of relationship you want, dating becomes a process of elimination. The Let Them Theory will keep you honest with yourself, and it will give you the courage to let other people reveal who they are while you stay true to yourself.

When you are brave enough to be yourself, you are in control—because you’re the one who is choosing who gets your time and energy, and who doesn’t.

It also takes bravery to see that someone’s not interested in you. It takes confidence to remind yourself that texting you is easy—but if they truly wanted to see you, they would be making plans.

The second you start creating excuses and scenarios in your head, you are giving your power to the other person. Dating requires you to be very black and white when it comes to other people’s behavior. And that is the hard part. Using the Let Them Theory, you’re going to learn how to choose the right relationship instead of constantly chasing the wrong ones.

The Purpose of Dating Is Not Just to Find “The One”

A big reason why dating is hard is that you don’t understand the true purpose of it. It’s not just to find “the one.” Dating helps you learn more about yourself and what you want and don’t want. One person at a time, you are learning what you like and what you don’t. That’s why every single experience that you have—even the really crappy ones—teaches you something important.

One of the most important lessons is learning what kind of behavior you will not accept, and what kind of person you truly want to be in a relationship with. If you become obsessed with finding the one, you are going to miss all the lessons that dating is trying to teach you about the value of love in your life.

You weren’t put on the earth to be somebody’s wife or husband. You are here to fulfill your dreams; share your story; and create a big, beautiful, amazing life.

No one else is going to create that life for you. The person you choose to love gets to share that life with you. That’s why I want you to be choosy.

When you’re dating, have fun and meet a ton of people, but never forget the bigger picture: that you’re looking for someone who is capable of helping you become your best self and co-creating a beautiful life together.

So, no. The purpose of dating is not just to find “the one.”

That’s why you need to think about dating as an opportunity to learn more about yourself by being open to lots of different experiences, that will ultimately lead to you choosing someone amazing who chooses you back.

The hard part is you can’t control whether or not another person chooses you. You can’t control whether or not the timing of your life lines up with the timing of someone else’s.

People choose who and how they love, and sometimes it won’t be you. But never forget: You get to choose who and how you love too. You get to choose who is worth your time and energy, and you get to choose how you want to be treated. Oftentimes with dating, the way you choose is by choosing to walk away when you aren’t being treated the way you deserve.

And that brings me to a fact: People’s behavior tells you exactly how they feel about you.

Your job isn’t to interpret it or second-guess it. Your job is to let people reveal who they are and how they truly feel about you and accept it. And by the way, this is true at every stage of a relationship.

The Early Days

As you put yourself out there and start meeting people, you may find there are lots of people you “like” and are “interested in” because there are lots of attractive, cool, and fun people out there.

The early days can be energizing and exciting. . . which is why you’ll probably end up saying yes to a lot of people who end up being wrong for you. It’s so easy to say yes when someone is attractive, or when you feel that rush of emotion, or you’ve got nothing else to do this weekend, or you’re tired of being single, or you’re scared you’ll never meet someone.

Dating is hard because everybody is so scared to be alone, and so desperate to find somebody and to have the fairy tale, that you’re not as discerning as you need to be about the reality of the situation you may be in with someone.

How many times have you convinced yourself that something is more serious than it is, or that this is going somewhere, or that the repeated drunken hookups mean they like you just as much as you like them, or that you have a future together?

There’s that famous saying, “If someone likes you, you’ll know, and if they don’t, you’ll be confused.” Feeling confused is a very dangerous place to be when you’re dating because if you like them, your knee-jerk reaction will be to convince yourself that they like you. Do NOT do that. Let Them confuse you.

Haven’t you noticed that the only people you feel confused by are the ones who don’t like you back? See the confusion that you feel for what it is. It means they don’t like you the way you want them to. When you convince yourself that something is happening when it’s clearly not, you’re chasing love. Chasing love only chases it away. Chasing the wrong person always leads you to the wrong places. Chasing the potential means you know something isn’t right and you’re ignoring the truth.

And here’s how you know you’re chasing it:

You’re the one that is always texting, calling, and reaching out. You believe the drunk hookups are leading somewhere special. You try to be near them all the time, hoping they will fall for you.

You believe what they tell you, even if their behavior tells you otherwise. You think with time this will get better. You think you know what’s best for them, and it’s you. You only see them when you are out at the bars. You believe you can fix them. You believe there is a text that you could send that might get them to want you back.

These are all examples of chasing the potential and choosing not to see the reality. You can’t get so attached to “making it work” that you keep chasing something that you know isn’t the right fit. It’s like taking a pair of shoes that you think are cute and trying to ram your foot into it even though it is two sizes too small. Your foot is not going to magically shrink, and just like the shoe isn’t going to grow to fit you, neither will this person shape-shift into who you hope they will be. That’s why you have to stop chasing.

The more time you waste chasing the wrong people, the longer it’s going to take you to find the right one. Let Them ghost you. Let Me move on.

Stop chasing the potential of who someone might be. Stop pouring your time and energy into people who do not give it back to you. Stop explaining away their disrespectful behavior. Stop giving your love to people who do not love you back. Stop making excuses for people who are clearly not interested in you. Stop chasing people who are not choosing to love you back. Stop playing the game.

Yes, dating is hard. Yes, your emotions are all over the place. Yes, rejection is painful.

Yes, the sex is awesome. Yes, they are hilarious. Yes, it is nice to not be the single one in your friend group. Yes, it feels great to have someone who seems interested. Yes, it is nice to have plans this weekend or something to look forward to. Yes, there will be times when the person seems right, but the timing is wrong.

Remember: You will find the right relationship by saying no to the wrong ones. The faster you say no, the faster you will be saying yes to the love of your life. The Let Them Theory will be revolutionary when it comes to finding the love you deserve, because it forces you to be brutally honest about the situation that you’re in, and who you’re dealing with, and how they actually feel about you.

They Don’t Like You. Wake Up.

The only way you learn who someone is and where you stand in their life is by watching their behavior. Forget what they say. Watch what they do. That can be hard to do, because in the beginning, your emotions and hormones are all over the place. They can cloud your ability to see the truth about how you’re being treated.

One question that you can always ask yourself to snap out of the dating fog is: If your best friend were being treated this way, what would you tell them?

One of the fundamental principles of the Let Them Theory is that people’s behavior tells you exactly where you stand in their life. You need to understand: This is very black and white. You are either a priority, or you are not. There is no middle ground.

Let Them show you who they are.

If you’re busy chasing someone, you will never allow yourself to see the reality that someone else doesn’t like you the way you want them to. If somebody is sending you mixed signals, it means they are NOT interested. Mixed signals aren’t “mixed” at all. They send a very clear message that you are not a priority; you’re a convenience.

For example, if they are texting you nonstop, but they never suggest a plan to get together, they are not interested in anything real. Let Them text nonstop. If they want to see you every time they are back in town, but never follow up whenever they leave, they are not interested in anything more than sex. Let Them. They aren’t the problem. You are. You are not valuing your time enough to realize that this is going nowhere.

You need the Let Me part of the theory: Let Me wake up and be honest with myself. The more I chase this person, the more time I spend texting this person, and the more I live in my head creating a fantasy that they are eventually going to come around and see that we are meant for each other, the less likely I am going to meet a person who wants a real relationship.

Let Me respect myself enough to admit that this is going nowhere. When someone is stringing you along, Let Them. You always have the power to cut the cord. You are an active participant in the stringing along, because you’re allowing them to do it. And if you were in a positive, loving relationship right now, you’d roll your eyes if they texted you for a hookup! So admit your part in your own demise right now, and take your power back.

Let Me remind myself that I don’t want to be dating someone who is not choosing me back. One of the most important signs of a healthy relationship is that it is mutual.

Mutual effort. Mutual respect. Mutual feelings. Mutual attraction. Mutual interest.

If you’re making excuses for someone else’s behavior. . . stop. Let Them reveal who they truly are. Let Them reveal whether or not they make an effort. Let Them reveal whether or not they care.

The biggest thing that makes dating confusing is your refusal to see the fact that they don’t care about you the way you wish they would. We’ve all been there. It’s painful when you are interested in someone and those feelings are not returned. But you can’t control who another person chooses to love.

Do not spend your time trying to shrink yourself into a tiny little box, or become someone new, or change who you are, just to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love you back. Don’t do it.

At the beginning of a relationship, it’s so easy to fall into this trap. It’s easy to jump straight to conclusions that this person is right for you (even if alarm bells are going off in your head that they’re not). It’s easy to blindly hope that people feel the same way you do. It’s easy to think someone will love you if you change just a little bit more. It’s easy to hold on tightly to the idea of being loved, even if it’s not quite as magical as you’d hoped. It’s easy to delude you into thinking they are not seeing anyone else even though they are not giving you a full commitment right now, or they “don’t like labels.” It’s easy to fall into an unfulfilling relationship just so that you can stop being the “single friend.” It’s easy in the moment, but in the long run, it’ll break your heart.

The emotional distress, the loss of self, the constant questioning of where you stand, the heartache over the fact that they will never quite commit. . . it’s never worth it. I want to say it again: If they like you, you’ll know. If they don’t, you’ll be confused.

Let Them not text you back. Let Them make promises when they are drunk. Let Them leave abruptly in the morning and never follow up on “I’d love to see you again.” Let Them confuse you, infuriate you, and send mixed signals.

You must let their behavior be the clear message. Letting Them is the easy part. Let Me is the hard part, because you don’t want to see the truth. Let Me see them for who they are. Let Me accept the truth in their behavior—I am not a priority. Stop choosing to chase people who clearly do not want to be with you.

If they are not making an effort, they are not worth yours.