CHAPTER 7

When Grown-Ups Throw Tantrums

Now let’s dive into how you have allowed other people’s emotional reactions to influence your decisions.

The reality is adults are as emotional as children, and it is not your responsibility to manage someone else’s reactions. As long as you let other people’s emotional immaturity dictate your choices, you’ll always come last in your own life.

I had no idea how big of a problem this was for me, and neither do you. From navigating guilt trips, to fearing disappointment, to worrying about someone’s reaction or if “now is the right time,” to tiptoeing around someone’s mood, you’re allowing other people’s behaviors and reactions to drain your energy.

But it goes deeper than that. Their passive-aggressive behavior, guilt trips, and emotional outbursts are driving your decisions. This is why you say yes when you really want to say no. You cave when you should stand firm. This is why it’s hard for you to set boundaries. This is why you walk on eggshells when certain people are in a bad mood.

Sure, it feels easier in the moment to give in to your sister’s guilt trip, but, in the long run, you lose a crucial piece of yourself. When every interaction with your girlfriend or boyfriend leaves you emotionally exhausted, ask yourself this: Why are you always the one who has to adjust? Why do you take on the responsibility for someone else’s happiness—at the expense of your own?

You will always come last if you let other people’s emotional immaturity have power over you. Instead of taking on the weight of someone’s disappointment, anger, or guilt, you’ll learn a liberating new approach: Just Let Them react.

When you say Let Them, you give other people the space to feel their emotions without needing to fix them. When you say Let Me, you do what’s right for you, even if it upsets someone, which is how you take responsibility for your own life.

It’s time to stop being manipulated by someone else’s guilt, anger, or disappointment. Other people’s emotional reactions are not your responsibility to manage. I learned this from my therapist, Anne Davin, Ph.D., who is a depth psychologist, writer, and the smartest woman I’ve ever met. One day, I was talking with her about creating boundaries with a particularly difficult family member.

The thing is, I don’t want this person to bother me. It’s just that they have this way of constantly making it about them. I bet you have someone in your family like this. You know an evening with this person is going to be incredibly draining. If the attention is not on them, they have endless ways of bringing it back to them—positive or negative.

What If We Are All Just Eight Years Old?

So I was talking to Anne about this person and she said something that changed everything:

“Mel, most adults are just eight-year-old children inside of big bodies. The next time you’re with this person and you feel yourself getting triggered by something they say or some way that they act, I want you to just imagine the fourth-grade version of them present in the room with you. Because what you’re describing is someone who has the emotional maturity of an eight-year-old. And, like it or not, that’s most adults.”

Honestly, as I sat there and processed what she was saying, it made a lot of sense. It’s true. Most people don’t know how to process their emotions in a healthy way, much less communicate their needs in a direct and respectful fashion. I know I certainly didn’t.

Just think about it: Why else does your mom pout instead of saying what’s wrong? Why does your friend give you the silent treatment? Why does your boyfriend send you passive-aggressive texts when you’re out with friends? Why does your sister blow up, then act like nothing happened an hour later?

It’s because adults, at their core, are just as emotional as children. The difference is, they are better at hiding it. . . most of the time.

But here’s what’s beautiful about the Let Them Theory: It doesn’t make you more judgmental—it makes you more compassionate. Instead of getting frustrated, you begin to understand that most people simply don’t have the tools to handle their emotions maturely.

The truth is that no one has been taught how to do this. To handle your emotions, you have to understand them and know how to process them in a healthy way. And in my experience, most people have no idea how to do this. I know I certainly didn’t.

Emotional maturity isn’t something you’re born with or that just happens. It’s a skill that takes time, practice, and a desire to learn. My therapist is right. Most people you meet still act like an eight-year-old child when they don’t get what they want or when they feel uncomfortable emotions.

But now, with the Let Them Theory, you’ll learn to respond with compassion, set your boundaries, and stop letting other people’s emotional immaturity run your life. And you’re going to need this tool because the connection between adults and childlike behavior is irrefutable:

Child Behavior = Adult Behavior

If you read that list and someone immediately popped in your mind for each scenario, the same thing happened for me when I unpacked this with my therapist. The reason why children act like this is because they cannot regulate their own emotions.

I’ll give you an example. Let’s take a child in a toy aisle, who has selected a Lego set and wants it. The moment they are told they cannot have it, what happens?

Their little body floods with emotions: sadness, disappointment, surprise, anger. Which is why they have a dramatic emotional response and start crying, shut down, or flop down on the floor into a full-blown tantrum.

The solution is not to give the kid the toy or the Lego set. The solution is for the parent to help the child process the emotions that they’re feeling in a calm, understanding, and compassionate way.

That might look like bending down and saying, “I know this is hard. I know you want the Lego set. It’s okay to be upset. I get disappointed too. It’s not fair. I get upset when I don’t get the things that I want.”

Let Them cry, beg, or do whatever they need, for as long as they need.

If kids are not allowed to experience the full wave of emotion (without an adult saying “calm down,” or “this is silly,” or “you’re overreacting”), they never learn how to process normal human emotions in a healthy way. Instead, they become an emotionally immature adult who takes it out on the rest of us.

So I just assume that most adults have never learned how to process their emotions in a healthy way, because no one’s parents knew how to do this either, and if yours did, then you are one lucky person. A child cannot learn how to do this on their own. Like I said earlier, it’s a skill that takes time, practice, and a desire to learn.

Of course, in researching this book, I realized that as a parent, I completely screwed this up. I would have bought my kid the Legos. Or, I would have erupted in frustration and yelled “Stop crying!” Or, I would have walked away from them, left them on the floor, and turned the aisle, hoping that they would notice I was gone, suddenly get scared, and stop crying. . . which explains why all three of my children now need therapy.

I wish I were kidding. I screwed this up because I didn’t know how to regulate my own emotions. I was never taught how to do it as a child either. I grew up in a family where we didn’t talk about our feelings. People tended to just erupt in anger when they got overwhelmed and then pretend nothing had happened.

And that brings me to a very important point about the Let Them Theory, and I need to make sure I am crystal clear: Adults are 100 percent responsible for the emotional and physical needs of children. Children cannot give themselves the emotional and physical support that they need.

It is your responsibility to help a child regulate their emotional responses in a healthy way. It is also your responsibility to teach a child that emotions are normal and how to process them.

In fact, in researching this book, Lisa Damour Ph.D., who is a clinical psychologist and New York Times bestselling author, told me that when a child (or adult) experiences disappointment because they can’t have what they want, or sadness over a loss, that these are mentally healthy responses to life experiences. These emotions of sadness and disappointment are signs that you are mentally well.

Do the Feelings Fit the Circumstance?

When you are eight, being upset when you can’t get the Legos that you want is a normal reaction. When your friend at school says something that hurts your feelings, being sad is a healthy reaction. When you want to watch TV and your parents say it’s time for bed, getting upset is a normal reaction.

By the way, the same is true for adult experiences. When you are an adult, if you get fired, feeling frustrated and demoralized is a normal reaction. When you go through a breakup, it’s normal to go through a depressive state. According to Dr. Damour, these are all appropriate, normal emotional reactions. They are evidence that your mind is working exactly as it should.

But growing up, you were probably taught to repeatedly repress what you feel. When you tell a child to “get over it” or “stop crying” or “calm down,” you are training them to suppress how they feel. To distract, avoid, or numb these normal human emotions.

Dr. Damour told me that is why so many people live with anxiety, depression, addiction, or chronic pain—because they have avoided all the emotions over the years that then build up inside of them without any outlet.

I am going to say it again: It’s your responsibility to help a child create space to process their own range of emotions. But it is not your responsibility to manage another adult’s emotional reactions.

This is so important to understand. Let me unpack this further in detail.

Adult Childlike Behavior

Let’s take the very common experience of someone in your life giving you the silent treatment. The silent treatment is what an immature adult does when they’re upset and they don’t know how to process their emotions in a healthy and respectful manner.

So instead, they stop talking. They pretend nothing is wrong. And often, they ignore you. And if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of the silent treatment from a friend, a family member, or a co-worker, it’s painful, and your immediate instinct is to try to figure out what you did wrong.

And that’s exactly what the person giving you the silent treatment wants—they want your attention. Just like a child pouting off in a corner wants the parent to come over and soothe them, an adult that gives you the silent treatment wants you to ask, “Are you okay?” and “Can I do something?" and “What did I do wrong?”

They use the silent treatment because they don’t know how to process their own emotions, and they are trying to get you to come over to them and ask what’s wrong so they don’t have to do it for themselves.

I had a friend who used to do this all the time in high school. One minute we were great and the next minute she was not talking to me. And I never knew what I did wrong. I would try to call her, say hello in the hallways, and sometimes beg for forgiveness for something I didn’t even know that I had done.

She’d never address it, and then suddenly one day she’d decide she was over it—and then we were back to being best friends. I was always just so relieved when she started talking to me again that I’d just play along like nothing ever happened.

What I know now is that it was easier for her to give me the silent treatment and avoid having an honest conversation than to come to me and share how she was feeling. She didn’t even know how to do that.

One more thing to understand is that it really has nothing to do with you. When someone gives you the silent treatment, it all stems from their inability to understand their emotions or past demons.

Let Them. Any time an adult acts like an eight-year-old child, Let Them.

This strategy is going to change your life. For you it might be a parent that gets angry, storms out of the room, and refuses to talk to anybody for several days or a weekend.

Or, in the case of one of my best friends, her mother suddenly stopped talking to her for a month. And then one day she would come down the stairs in the morning, and it was as if nothing had ever happened.

Using the Let Them Theory, you’ll never again be the victim of someone else’s emotional immaturity or emotional abuse—because you will know exactly what to do.

First, it’s never your job to manage another adult’s emotions. When someone pulls the silent treatment on you, or plays the victim, or erupts in frustration, Let Them. And then I want you to visualize an eight-year-old trapped inside their body. When you do that, something wild happens. You don’t feel scared of this person. You actually pity them. You feel compassion instead of contempt.

You will also realize that their inability to process normal human emotions like sadness, insecurity, disappointment, anger, fear, and rejection is not your fault. And it’s also not your problem to solve. This has been happening to this person since they were a child.

It is not your responsibility to manage their emotions or try to fix them. Your responsibility is to protect yourself from their emotional spiral, and to see it for what it is: A person who has no idea how to handle or express their emotions in a healthy way.

Let Them go silent. Let Them erupt. Let Them play the victim. Let Them sulk. Let Them deny that it happened. Let Them make it all about them.

Then, Let Me. Let Me be the mature, wise, and loving adult in this situation. Let Me decide if I want to address this directly or not at all. Let Me remind myself that managing another person’s emotions is not my job. Let Me remove myself from any text chain, dinner table conversation, relationship, or friend group where this is happening.

Instead of expecting other people to change, demand the change of yourself. Hold yourself to a higher standard and stop allowing this type of emotionally immature behavior to be your responsibility to manage.

Stop staying in situations where someone’s repeated emotional immaturity is starting to feel more like abuse. Stop feeling sorry for people who play the victim all the time. Stop explaining away someone’s clearly narcissistic patterns.

The more time you pour into a relationship with someone who acts like an eight-year-old, the more you’re going to feel like a parent to a child. When you recognize that you are dealing with someone who has a lot of internal work to do, you can draw healthier boundaries around the amount of time and energy you are willing to give to them.

Because until this person does the work to build the skills of emotional intelligence, they will always pull the silent treatment, play the victim, or be passive aggressive. This isn’t a personality trait, it’s a pattern.

But What If You’re the Problem?

What do you do if you’re realizing as you’re reading this that there are times in your life when you’re the one who’s emotionally immature?

You get overwhelmed by your emotions. You sulk. You give the silent treatment. You rage text. You play the victim. You snap at other people. You make it about you.

If you are having this realization, here is what I want to say to you: You’re not alone. I had that realization about myself too.

It’s so easy to see this immature behavior in other people, but it takes a level of bravery and emotional intelligence to see it in yourself. For me, I wasn’t even an eight-year-old. I used to be so emotionally immature, I probably clocked in at closer to five.

I got so easily overwhelmed by my emotions that I would throw tantrums, whether it was venting at my husband or erupting at my kids over something stupid. I had periods of my life where it was all about me, and it ruined a lot of friendships. Even to this day, when work gets incredibly stressful, I send long, angry texts to my business partner about how frustrated I am by things. And it’s not okay.

Even as I am writing the Let Them Theory book and using Let Them in my life, I’m constantly learning how to create space to process my own range of emotions. This is the hardest part of the Let Them Theory to put into practice—learning to feel my raw emotions without immediately reacting. It’s hard. I still catch myself wanting to snap back or immediately take control of the situation. . . all the time. And yes, I still get frustrated when I slip up. But that’s the point: It’s not about being perfect; it’s about being kind to yourself and continuing to grow.

It’s a lifelong process, and many days, it feels like I’m starting all over again. I know this is a skill I will be working on for the rest of my life, and so will you.

The Let Them Theory has been monumental in helping me be more compassionate toward myself. It has also helped me create a deeper understanding of how to handle my emotions.

Using the Let Them Theory is straightforward when someone else is throwing the tantrum. Learning how to use it to process your own emotions will put you at rockstar status. I can’t even begin to tell you how much more money I make, how much smarter I am, and how I’m a better parent, a better spouse, and a better friend now that I have a better handle on my own emotions. I am finally starting to feel like a mature adult.

Here’s how you use the Let Them Theory to process your own emotions in a healthy way: When you feel your emotions rising up, Let Them. Allow the anger, the frustration, the hurt, the disappointment, the sadness, the grief, the tears, and the feelings of failure to come up. Let Them.

And then, Let Me not react. Don’t reach for your phone. Don’t turn on the TV. Don’t make a drink. Don’t open the fridge. And for crying out loud, don’t text anyone. Just notice the feelings and Let Them rise up.

The reason why you must learn how to Let Them rise is that once they do, they also fall.

Do You Know What an Emotion Really Is?

Emotions are just a burst of chemicals in your brain that ignite and are absorbed into your body within six seconds. Because your emotional reactions happen so fast, they can often be completely unconscious. You may first notice your emotions through the physical sensations that accompany the chemical burst, such as sweating, muscle tightness, or a racing heartbeat.

Research shows that most emotions will rise up, and then fall away, within 90 seconds, if you don’t react to them.

You cannot control your emotions from rising up. Trying to is a waste of your time. The better strategy is learning to just Let Them rise up and then fall without reacting. There is also nothing you can do that will ever allow you to control the emotional reactions in another human being, no matter how hard you try.

Emotions are also contagious. Seeing someone else sad, afraid, disgusted, or angry can cause you to experience these same emotions in your own body. This explains why someone else’s tone of voice, their shift in energy, their bad mood, and their body language can immediately trigger you to feel on edge.

And one more thing to understand is that whenever you or another person are hungry, or tired, or stressed-out, or under the influence, or lonely, or angry, or hurt, you’ll be even more emotional. I say this because whenever I do or say something I later regret, there is usually stress, alcohol, or hunger involved. Knowing all this helps me to make the changes to better manage my emotions and helps me stay in control of what I say, do, and think.

That’s one of my biggest takeaways from using the Let Them Theory: You will never be able to control what is happening around you. You will also never be able to control your emotional responses, because they are automatic—just like how your stress response turns on automatically.

But you can always choose what you think, say, or do in response to other people, the world around you, or the emotions that are rising up inside of you. That’s the source of all your power.

Learning how to let other adults manage their own emotions will change your life. So will learning how to let your own emotions rise and fall while still communicating what you need to, even when it is very painful to do so. And there will be times when making the right decision for yourself is going to be one of the hardest things you have to do in life.